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Dos & Don’ts for sports parents ©2006 oldschoolsportsparenting.com We sports parents can be obnoxious. Fortunately, we’re not alone. All parents can get obnoxious when their kids are displaying their talent in public. Doesn’t matter if it’s a dance recital or a spelling bee. We’re just as bad in the privacy of our homes. Who among us hasn't spewed dinner table venom at people we think may be threatening our kid’s athletic "career?" It’s a natural expression of our interest and concern. At least that’s what we like to tell ourselves. More often, though, it’s the result of unrealistic expectations, overreaction to insignificant events, and a tendency to want to shield our kids from even the most minor disappointment. Here are some ways to avoid those common, sports-parenting pitfalls.. Trust your child. Let him make athletic decisions for himself, whenever possible. If you feel he needs guidance or encouragement, frame it in the form of open-ended questions. Don’t say, "Your coach is giving you the shaft. You should be starting ahead of Tommy." You may think that's motivating. But more often than not, to a youngster, it just reinforces his self-pitying conclusion that the coach is playing favorites. Instead, ask, "How do you feel about your role on the team?" If he’s unhappy, don’t immediately assume he’s getting he shaft. Ask why he thinks he deserves to start. Make him be specific. "Because I’m better" won’t cut it. What does he do in practice to prove he’s better? I know it’s hard to be hands-off when you feel your kid is being wronged. But unless it’s a matter of health or well-being, try to fight your natural protective instincts. You may be surprised to find out your child is perfectly content with his current role on the team. If so, back off. "As long as you’re OK with it, that’s fine. If you’re unhappy and you want to talk, let me know." No sense creating trouble. Solve your kid’s sports problems in your own house. If he’s unhappy with his role on his team, challenge him to work harder and get better. When he’s one of the best players on the team, he’ll have little to worry about -- and single-minded commitment to excellence is the only way he’ll get to that point. I’m not being naïve. I know there are politics and favoritism on sports teams. But no amount of coach-bashing will change that. Your kid’s work habits and value system are the only things you and he can influence. Whine about favoritism and you sound like a sour grapes loser. Persevere in the face of it, and you'll earn respect and admiration -- maybe even from the coaches. Teach your kid to put the team first. It’s not about how many points, yards, goals, hits, strikeouts, pins, wins, aces or tackles your kid has. It’s about whether the team won or lost. If your kid isn’t helping his team win, his personal stats are a hollow accomplishment. Remind him it doesn’t matter how good he looks if the team fails. How? By phrasing your post-game critique (oh, you know you do it) in team terms. Good: "You guys really didn't play well together today." Bad: "Your team sucked but you had 30 points, so they can't blame you." Root for the team, not just your kid. We’ve all seen these parents. When their kid is in the game, they’re the most vocal fans in the stands. As soon as their kid comes out for a rest, it’s as if the game stopped. If you’re one of those parents, I have news for you: Everyone around you knows your act. Before you complain that your kid was cut, benched or subjected to some other indignity at the hands of his pathologically deceitful coach, ponder these key questions: 1)Does he use his spare time to put in extra work at his sport and get better than the players ahead of him? 2)Has he demonstrated in practice that he can help the team more than the players in front of him? 3)Is the team failing with your kid in his current role, or are they doing just fine? Unless you can answer, "Yes," to all three questions, you have little basis for a complaint. (I once had a parent call me after a football game I had coached, to tell me how much better our defense would have been if his kid had started at linebacker instead of just at running back. We had won the game 14-0. "How many fewer points would we have given up if Larry had started?" I asked.) Home Feedback |